Hello dear reader,
No one is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you. So this isn’t about you, it's about me. I am writing this after 8 fucking insane months of fucking life. I am not doing to disguise this cynicism under the badge of realism and act like your big sister on the internet who vomits advice. There is no advice to you, just advice to myself. Moreover, I am going to go so far as to say that this is not cynicism. I am here to tell my story and be a part of this glut of ‘tell my story’. Except I’m different.
I started dating the love of my life 8 months ago. He is a tall, tan dude who is jolly and hard-working, loves me dearly, hates the idea of turning vegetarian and in all honesty, is the most eclectic human being I have ever laid my eyes on. But this isn't about him, as I said, it’s about me. Throughout these eight months, I have struggled with myself, my thoughts, questioned my beliefs and disbelieved my ways of living — thanks to the false narratives painted by a warped society that exploits the minds of young people.
Your youth is precious. To give in to the view that being in love is the be-all and end-all of life is to delude yourself that nothing else matters. That love is the answer to all our problems, that if you find someone you love, or who loves you, life will not have a dim day. That they will solve everything, you can call them anytime, they will be there for you in ways you want and beyond. But, the price for the prince is too high.
Love languages. The single most befogged phenomenon IMO. With 50 authors proposing 100 theories, what story do you believe? We literally live in a culture of excess. The biggest conundrum of (the privileged) today is not to solve the lack of access but to demystify what to access. With 10 people telling you 20 different things, you are bound to lose your way. So did I. Believing that if X situations don't happen or if Y words are not said, my boyfriend definitely doesn’t take me seriously or that he doesn’t make an effort enough or that he doesn’t understand me. Being insecure about his ex-girlfriend (which honestly I still am, don't know how to get out of that, IDK, I always think she’s better than me in some way or that I am doing something terribly wrong like she did and so my boyfriend will break up with me or that he is fed up of me.)
Love is an epidemic, not a force. It flows from within not without. The point is to not be in a hurry. Yes, you deserve to be loved how you want to be loved. But don't overlook the efforts your partner makes in their own ways. I was too consumed by things not happening my way and this led to romanticising hard, tough times, a rabbit hole that I’m actively trying to get out of. I am a person who has trouble expressing her needs. I have this unrealistic expectation of people just knowing - that romantic way in which the woman doesn't say anything, the guy looks into her eyes and notices and stays. YES, I have longed for that. I haven't communicated hurt on time and let it pile and then snapped and apologised while feeling bad in the first place. I have gone down that spiral several times. It is not healthy, I have yearned for escape, for validation, yearned to be seen. I have started writing online so that I can get out of this toxic spiral and keep track.
For now, this is all. I love my boyfriend, he has been with me through it all and I owe it to him to be so sane as to start this journey. And I love myself, but, more importantly, I forgive myself. I’m ready to start over.
Day 1.
